


It's Always Sunny in Letterkenny

by boomsherlocka



Series: Fics for Friends [5]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Letterkenny (TV)
Genre: Crossover Pairings, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, F/M, Gen, Gift, It's Always Sunny in Letterkenny, Jealousy, M/M, Multi, Pure Crack, crossovers, schemes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:54:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21653305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boomsherlocka/pseuds/boomsherlocka
Summary: The gang goes to Letterkenny
Relationships: Dee/McMurrays, Jonesy & Reilly (Letterkenny), Mac McDonald/Dennis Reynolds, Ronzy/Daxy/Mac
Series: Fics for Friends [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/95729
Comments: 6
Kudos: 15





	It's Always Sunny in Letterkenny

**Author's Note:**

> A gift for my Secret Santa Whitney for OKiS Fandomfest 2019.

Thursday- 7:26 P.M.

"All I'm saying is if you aren't watching the Flyers then there's no point watching hockey, dude! Philly took a bullshit Canadian clusterfuck and turned it into an art form! Claude Giroux..."

"Now come on Mac, I'm going to stop you right there. Giroux himself is a Canadian clusterfuck if ever I saw one. Listen to his name and tell me he's not the worse kind of Canadian-- French Canadian..."

"HE'S FROM ONTARIO DUDE, HOW DARE YOU...?"

"Hear me out! He's ginger, which-- seriously? I think we'd have a hard time convincing even Dee to bang that."

"How dare you imply Giroux would lower himself to even consider sleeping with an actual goddamn bird? How dare you?! You take that back!"

"I will not! I never ever will!"

Mac drew in a deep breath but froze when a man stopped in front of him and Dennis, a genial smile on his face. "Sorry, would you mind taking this conversation elsewhere? We're trying to watch the game here and your voices sure do carry."

"Oh fuck off, it's women's hockey, no one gives a shit," Dennis scoffed, waving his hand dismissively. "Begone from us."

The man's smile faltered a bit. "Well, I can assure you we wouldn't have come all the way to Letterkenny to watch our team play if we didn't care!"

Dennis barked out a laugh. "Are you really that desperate to get laid? Are beautiful young women that hard to come by in this frozen hellhole? Go take a seat before you make yourself look more stupid than that frankly ridiculous accent already makes you look."

"THIS IS WOMEN'S HOCKEY?" Mac bellowed, leaping to his feet as his voice echoed throughout the arena. The game came to a halt and everyone whipped around towards the stands. "WOMEN'S BONES ARE TOO FRAGILE TO HANDLE HITS! WOMEN CAN'T PLAY HOCKEY! WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULD PLAY HOCKEY?"

Mac ripped off his duster in rage, flinging it down to the ground. "I'm too hot, Dennis, I gotta go get my pump on."

Dennis held up his hands. "Go get a good pump and cool off. Remember we're meeting everyone at that bar later. Frank and Charlie should be done buying all those cheap Canadian prescription drugs and Dee should..." Dennis trailed off then waved a dismissive hand. "I don't know what she was doing. It doesn't matter. Bar, Mac."

Mac was pacing but he nodded before storming off. "GIROUX WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS!" he yelled before busting out the door.

There was a moment of silence before the ref blew his whistle. Dennis snapped his fingers to draw the attention of anyone close by. "Tell me about these female hockey players," he said, stroking his chin as a slow smile grew on his face.

_/\\_

"You know what it is? Pounds are different in Canada or something," Mac said, piling more weights onto the bar. "Like money. Everything is lighter in Canada, you're all weak as shit."

"Hear that Daxy, pounds are different in Canada."

"I'll pound you different, bud, show you the best we've got to offer. Ronzy?"

"Brown Town Pound Town, Daxy."

Mac's eyes were wide as he looked between the two men in front of him. They were both wearing short shorts and tank tops. "What?" Mac asked a bit breathlessly. He still had the presence of mind to flex.

The blonde pointed to himself then to the other man. "Ronzy. Daxy. We want to fuck you."

Mac sank down onto the bench. "Both of you?" he asked.

"Yes buddy."

"At the same time?"

"Hell yes, buddy."

Mac pointed towards the weight bar. "You want to see me pop off some reps?" Ronzy and Daxy glanced towards each other, shrugging in unison. "Later, buddy."

Mac nodded, springing to his feet. "Did you guys buy your shirts already like that or did you cut them yourself? I made mine."

"Def don't want to conceal carry those guns," Daxy said, squeezing Mac's bicep as Ronzy led them back to the locker room, turning on some music and locking the door.

"So I'm a power bottom, and let me tell you that I can generate an enormous amount of power. So what about you guys?" Mac asked, trailing off when Ronzy and Daxy took off their shirts in unison.

Mac scrambled to follow their lead.

_/\\_

"Well this was a complete waste of time," Dennis muttered as the hockey players filed out of the locker room in varying degrees of exhaustion, wet hair stuffed under hats and shoving each other playfully.

Dennis had all but given up when the final two girls came out with matching frowns on their faces. The one with darker skin and curly hair finished zipping up her Shamrockettes jacket and sighed. "All I'm saying is we've got to crush the PP Betty-Anne, and right now we aren't. Who the fuck are you slinging the biscuit to, it sure as hell isn't someone on our team?"

"Fuck you Mary-Anne! I'm converting! We have to focus on PKs-- we can't let them box us in with dumb penalties and score."

Two young men in suits came out from the locker room, the blonde one smiling widely and the one with black hair frowning.

"Way to get the W boys! Or... ladies," the blonde said.

"Your PP and PKs are DOA," the other man added as he crossed his arms.

Dennis cleared his throat and all four of them turned to him with matching looks of confusion. "Hi there!" Dennis began, holding up a hand in a wave. "I'm..."

"Leaving?" Mary-Anne finished with an unimpressed glare.

"Dennis Reynolds," he finished.

"Pretty sure you're leaving buddy," the dark-haired man said. "Reilley?"

Reilley nodded. "Definitely leaving, buddy."

Dennis huffed. "Yeah, well, fuck every single one of you," he snapped before leaving, muttering to himself the whole way. Behind him he could hear a high-pitched man's voice, followed by everyone yelling "FUCK YOU SHORESY!"

Nothing in Canada made any goddamn sense.

_/\\_

"And who are you again?" one of the greasy-looking Goth kids asked, his eyes wide and twitchy.

"Dr Toboggan. Mantis Toboggan," Frank replied, smoothing his sweaty hair back into place. He motioned over to Charlie next to him. "This is my associate Charlie."

"Charlie Kelly, attorney at law," Charlie said, holding out his damp hand after wiping his palm on his ill-fitting suit pants. "I specialize in bird law mainly, but..."

"I don't care," the Goth said with a peal of maniacal laughter. "We're having to call around to get everything you want. Most people just want to buy meth, weed, and darts, not Viagra and blood pressure medication."

"We'll take some of that too if you want," Charlie said with a shrug. "Drugs in Canada are cheap as shit. One question though, why is it illegal to play darts here?"

"Just the dick pills and the heart pills," Frank said, smacking Charlie's arm.

"We have to wait on Stert," the Goth said as he pointed to the door. "We'll meet you at Modean's later."

"Modean's, okay, alright," Frank said. "You'll get your money then."

The Goth shrugged. "Whatever."

Charlie turned to follow Frank out but said, "If you want to throw a little meth in there too it would be fine, though." Frank snatched up his arm and dragged him out of the dingy basement.

"You can't have any meth Charlie," Frank groused. "Come on, let's find somewhere to grab some grub and stay warm. This place is cold as shit."

"Meth would warm you up," Charlie argued, and Frank smacked him again.

"Jesus, Charlie, enough about meth. Come on, I'm starving." Frank set off down the street as fast as his short legs would carry him.

Charlie trailed behind him. "Did you know that raccoons are taking over Canada, Frank? They have hands like people and can open anything we can, so they are breaking into trash cans and houses and stealing food and all sorts of shit. Man, I wish I could get one of these genius Canadian raccoons to take home with me to be my buddy. Do you think I could teach one how to talk? Mac and Dennis would be really jealous if I had one of those. Do you think he would have a Philly accent or a Canadian one?"

"Honestly?" Frank asked, pushing his glasses up with his whole hand. "I couldn't give less of a shit if I tried. We're not taking a nasty old raccoon home with us Charlie, we don't have room in our apartment for it!"

"We can revisit this conversation after you've had something to eat," Charlie said with a dismissive wave.

"That's not going to change my mind Charlie," Frank said before pointing towards a diner down the block. "There, let's eat there."

"Sure, sure..." Charlie said with a dismissive wave, already scouting the streets for raccoons.

_/\\_

"Huge news, Dennis, huge incredible news," Mac bellowed as he came into the bar, drawing a few frowns from the regulars.

Dennis lifted his head up from the bar with a self-pitying groan. "Mac, I really don't want to hear about it man. Everyone's convinced this Canada thing is the best thing to ever happen to us, I don't need to hear it from you too. I can't take it."

"Listen, we both know Canadians hate freedom, okay? We've established that," Mac said as he leaned against the bar. "Fuck Canada. But listen, I am moving here. For good."

Dennis barked out a laugh. "The hell we are. This place is horrible. The women are fours at best and all the guys want to do is beat the shit out of you and wear flannel. I didn't come all the way out here to get creamed by Melissa Etheridge."

The bartender slid a bit closer. "Did I hear something about Melissa Etheridge's cream?" she drawled, licking her lips slowly. "I'd give that cream a good whip into stiff peaks." She held out her hand towards Mac. "Gale, best puss you'll find without calling Humane Canada, and this one's free to take home and has all her shots."

"Gross, no, I'm gay," Mac replied, motioning to the bar stool. "Why else wouldn't I be sitting down?"

"What, gay guys don't sit down?" Dennis asked. "Sit down, Mac, no one gives a fuck about you being gay."

Mac raised his eyebrows. "And you clearly do not understand what I am saying. I am physically incapable of sitting down, Dennis. The things that have occurred in and around my ass these past few hours has rendered it unusable. It's a mess down there and I'm not even mad about it. I was brought to tears, Den. I saw the face of God. I came so hard I got a bullseye on a dartboard 25 yards away. My body reached peak physical performance."

A man at the other end of the bar turned stiffly towards them, his eyes narrowed in a deep frown. "Sit the fuck down and get yourself a fucking Puppers, bud," he said before nodding towards the bartender. "Galer, get the man a fucking Puppers."

"Why don't you drop the Puppers and get straight to the fucking Wayne?" Gale asked with a roll of her hips that was meant to be seductive but came across much more threatening.

"Hard no," Wayne replied before turning away just as stiffly as he had turned and swigging down the rest of his beer.

"Your loss," Gale muttered as she slammed two more bottles of beer down in front of Mac and Dennis. She leaned in a bit closer to Mac. "You sure you're gay?"

"My asshole looks like a popped balloon right now lady, I'm surprised I wasn't turned inside out," Mac hissed before downing half of his bottle of beer.

"I'm not gay," Dennis said, holding up a hand. "And honestly I'm feeling pretty sensitive because all these fours are passing me over. I just saw a woman hit on a guy who introduced himself as Rat Ass."

"Huge dick if you can parse through all that hair," Gale sighed. "He fucked me so hard our pubes matted together. Have you ever seen a rat king?" She shivered before looking Dennis up and down. "No offense, but you aren't it. You look like the kind of crazy who keeps women locked in his basement. Normally I'd be into that, but you are way too desperate. That isn't a good look." She shrugged as she unfastened the button of her jeans. "Now you'll have to excuse me, I need to show Wayne my new tattoo." With that she made her way down the bar, where a small group of people-- three men including Wayne and one woman-- were taking turns making what sounded suspiciously like sex noises.

"Well I liked her a lot," Mac said as he watched her go. "We should ask her if she'd like to be in our next Lethal Weapon movie. Dee is butt awful, I can't deal with her anymore."

Dennis clenched his jaw tightly. "What the fuck is wrong with this horrible place? Why do you want us to move here?"

"Oh," Mac said, frowning slightly. "No. No, I don't want us to move here. I want to move here alone, like you did with North Dakota."

Dennis slowly put down his beer bottle. "Sorry, you want to what now?"

Mac shrugged. "I met these gay guys who are looking for this thing- I guess ass slave is probably the best way to put it, and it turns out I'm really good at that, so..."

"Wait wait wait..." Dennis began, waving his hand. A very attractive young waitress walked over with a tray, cleavage, and a wide smile and Dennis pointed a shaking finger at her. "Don't you dare speak to me. You open your mouth and I will release every ounce of my white hot rage all over your face. Go away, beer slave."

The woman's eyes widened but her smile didn't falter as she cleared away their empty beer bottles. She moved on down the bar silently. "Dennis, are you trying to get us killed?" Mac whispered. "That guy Wayne? Ronsy and Daxy told me he's the toughest guy in Letterkenny and if he heard you threaten a waitress..."

"Being the toughest guy in this shithole doesn't mean anything," Dennis scoffed. "And who the fuck are Ronsy and Daxy?"

Mac sighed dreamily. "The guys who broke my ass, Dennis. I think it might be serious. The relationship, not the injuries."

"I am not drunk enough for this," Dennis groaned, hoisting himself to his feet. "I'm going to the bathroom." He had only made it a few steps when he bounced off a bib overall-covered chest.

"I heards you bein' rude to Bonnies," the large, bearded man said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

A smaller man in coveralls stepped up beside him. "Maybe you should take this outside Squirrely Dan. You don't want to upset the patrons of Modean's."

"Do all you dumb hicks have nicknames having to do with animals?" Dennis asked with a laugh.

"WHY I OUGHT TO..." Squirrely Dan began, taking a fistful of Dennis' shirt and pulling him in closer.

"Take about 20% off the top there, Squirrely Dan," Wayne said, clenching a toothpick between his teeth.

"Let Wayne handle it," the girl sitting by Wayne said. "He can show 'em who takes care of rude people around here."

Squirrely Dan released his grip on Dennis' shirt. "Yous is always very reasonable, Katys, and that's what I appreciates about you."

"Oh is that what you appreciates about me?" Katy asked with a smirk before taking a drink of her beer.

Wayne stood in one smooth movement. "We're taking this outside, bud."

"If you hit him it's a hate crime!" Mac said as he wrapped an arm around Dennis' waist. "He's gay! My boyfriend is gay and if you hit him it's like hitting every single gay!"

Dennis scoffed and tried to pull away, but Mac tightened his grip.

Wayne's eyes got impossibly narrower and he put his fists on his hips. "Well fuck, I'm not sure I've ever decked someone I didn't hate when I was deckin' them."

"Bodyguard to bodyguard bro," Mac said as he steered Dennis behind him, puffing up his chest a little as he took a step closer to Wayne. "This isn't a fight you want to start. Dennis is sorry he was rude, but he was really jealous that I spent all day getting tag teamed by..."

"Reilley and Jonesy," Katy said with a sage nod. "Makes sense. They've spent plenty of time tag teaming girls, it's the natural progression of their relationship."

"No... no, but can I get their numbers?" Mac asked, peeking over Wayne's shoulder at Katy.

Dennis tugged on the back of Mac's shirt. "No, no you may not! Jesus, how many tag-teaming gay couples are in this town?"

"Well..." Katy began but Wayne let out a low whine, which silenced her.

"If you are rude to anyone again I'm going to knock your fuckin' teeth out, gay or no," Wayne said as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Understood?"

Mac nodded. "Understood." He turned to Dennis, who was looking at him with a look of dark confusion. "What?"

"You were telling me about being banged by those gym dudes to make me jealous?" he asked.

Mac nodded, his brows knitted together in a little frown. "Well... yeah. And, I mean... it worked, so..."

Dennis let out a huff of air. "Well fuck. Yeah, I guess it did." Mac smiled, preening with pride. Dennis reached out to pinch the back of his arm hard. "Don't look too smug, it doesn't mean anything. I was just jealous that you were getting laid and I wasn't."

"That is not what it meant and you know it," Mac said. "Listen, you told me forever ago you got gangbanged by a bunch of dudes when Paddy's was a gay bar, then you make this huge deal out of the fact that I'm gay and you and me will never happen, and I'm going to have to call shenanigans on that. You're into me, you're just afraid to admit it."

Dennis opened his mouth and closed it again. "But… but all the women! There have been tons of women."

Mac wrinkled his nose. "And how many of those women did you want to be with again?"

"You can't be smarter than me about this!" Dennis said, shaking his head dismissively. "You're never smarter than me about anything! I think I know a little bit more about myself than you do."

Mac's face shifted to one of gentle pity. "Dennis, I've spent a really long time in the closet hating myself, but it's totally possible to be in the closet and love yourself too. Just… maybe you could love me too, just a little?"

Dennis let out a huff of laughter and tightened his grip in the collar of Mac's shirt, dragging him in with a threat on his face. "Shut the fuck up…" he muttered before pulling Mac into a furious kiss. Mac didn't hesitate to return it with the same uncontrolled abandon.

Neither one of them were really sure how much time had passed before they had to pull back, both panting and clinging to each other.

"Are you guys with that old midget and his boy toy?" a scraggly-haired pale guy wearing a top hat said as he tugged on Dennis' sleeve to get his attention.

"That old midget is sort of my dad," Dennis said, still a bit dazed as Mac slipped a hand into his back pocket.

"What business do you have with these hosers, Stewart?" Katy asked him with a smirk, motioning to the large duffle bag strapped to Stewart's back. "What's in the bag, bud?"

Stewart swept off his top hat and bowed deeply. "Oh, well, just a hell of a lot of Viagra. This gross old dude wanted to buy a lot of them. Like, an ungodly amount. I'm about to be flush with cash and I would love to take you on a date to the City if you'd be so kind as to oblige."

Katy pursed her lips, looking him up and down. "You still have that monster between your legs for me?"

"Whenever, wherever," Stewart said as he shrugged the duffel off of his back and dropped it at Dennis' feet. "Give this to the troll, Stepford tool."

Wayne made a strange noise in the back of his throat. "You can't really be meaning to pick up my sister right in front of me, bud. Katy Kat, you can't really be talking about this skid's unmentionables right in fucking front of God and everyone. Fuckin' figure it out."

"You figure it out big brother," Katy replied as she wrapped an arm around Stewart's waist. As Stewart steered her away he couldn't have looked smugger.

Dennis began to laugh as the Canadian posse returned to their place at the bar. "You know, I have been trying to pick up the entire time I have been here and that absolute ball of angst just waltzed right in and managed to talk the prettiest girl in this trash can to sleep with him. Normally I'd be mad about that, but honestly it's okay."

"You want me to suck you off in the bathroom?" Mac offered with a mischievous smile.

Dennis was nodding vigorously just as Frank burst through the door. "The tweaker outside said you have the stuff," he said, clapping his hands when he saw the duffel bag on the ground. "Great. Charlie went out behind the bar to take a leak before we hit the road. Anyone seen Deandra?"

Mac lifted his head from where he was sucking a kiss into Dennis' neck. "Sweet Dee? No, haven't seen her since we got here. Dennis, have you seen her?"

Dennis shook himself out of a daze. "Dee? No. Nope. Haven't seen her." A surprised little yelp escaped from him which Mack returned to his previous activities.

Frank's face cycled through a variety of emotions as he watched him. "What's going on right now between the two of you is nauseating but not surprising. Just don't fuck in the bar."

Mac scoffed against Dennis' neck and Dennis rolled his eyes. "You've fucked in the bar, Frank, your demands have fallen on deaf ears. We will fuck wherever we like and you can't do anything about it."

From somewhere behind them there was a shriek and they turned around. Dee was sitting at a table behind them by herself, her hair wet and makeup smudged. She was wearing an over-sized flannel shirt and looked like a bird caught in a sudden storm. "I have been here the whole time and you're telling me that you didn't see me? I call bullshit!"

"You weren't here the whole time," Frank scoffed as he wrestled with the duffel bag.

"I was here before all of you! I have literally heard every word you all have said the entire time you've been here!" Dee said. "None of you are even interested in what I've been up to? No one wants to know why I'm all wet?"

"No," Mac sighed, "But I get the feeling you're going to tell us anyway, aren't you?"

Dee climbed to her feet. "Yes Mac, I am, and you're going to listen because I had to listen to your frankly alarming attempt at making my brother jealous by describing the state of your asshole. You should really get that looked at, by the way, there sounds like there could be something seriously wrong down there." She straightened her shirt with a smirk. "I was just going to stay here all day and get shitfaced since all you assholes ditched me pretty much instantly, but when I got here there was this guy here with his wife. I couldn't understand like-- anything he was saying but I don't know, I felt this connection. But I totally made sure he wasn't, like, mentally handicapped, because sometimes those guys can pull some really hot wives. Look at professional athletes. I don't understand it, but..."

"Oh my god Dee, this story is boring as shit and we need to go!" Dennis groaned, twirling his finger in the air. "I am giving you three words to sum this up before we get in the Range Rover so Mac and I can give each other handies in the back."

"There will be no handies in the car!" Frank demanded, holding up his index finger.

Mac clicked his tongue and shook his head. "You're going to have to deal with the fact that there are going to be handies. Probably multiple handies."

Dee held up three fingers, her face set in an annoyed frown. "Hot tub," she said before putting one finger down. "Threesome"-- she put her second finger down. With a sigh she concluded with "UTI."

Mac gagged and Dennis wrinkled his nose. "Get in the car children," Frank droned as he turned around and started toward the door, struggling from the weight of the duffel bag.

They had almost made it when Charlie burst through the door, a series of scratches on his face that were oozing blood. "We gotta go, those raccoons mean business. They chased me inside here, guys, they know too much! I'm pretty sure one of them had a knife! Plus that Goth kid outside gave me some crystal so I think I'm dying!"

"Goddamn it Charlie, were you trying to catch a raccoon behind the bar?" Frank asked. "I told you no raccoons and no meth!"

Charlie nodded, wiping the blood from his cheek with a wince. "I should have listened to you, Frank, I know that now. No raccoons and no meth. They are definitely using their adorable little hands for evil."

"What is he talking about?" Dennis asked as Frank pushed open the door, peering outside hesitantly.

"I'll explain in the car," Frank grumbled. "Let's get out of here, I miss Philly."

"I hate every single one of you assholes," Dee snapped as she followed them out.

_/\\_

"You really are the toughest guy in Letterkenny Wayne," Darry said before taking a drink of his Puppers.

Squirelly Dan nodded. "Yep. You taught those American Degens who's boss."

Wayne finished his beer and stood. "All in a day's chorin'. Let's just hope they don't come back to cause more trouble, eh?"

The entirety of Modean's let out a hearty 'here-here' before returning to their drinks.

THE END


End file.
